Member Spotlight

Michael Wagner is a  Member of the Sarasota Academy of Christian Counseling, and has been an International Representative since June 5 2023. He is also a member of the NCCA  and, is Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor.  He resides in Indian Harbour Beach, Florida.

Identity and Forgiveness with the Supine in Affection

In my experience as a Pastoral Counselor, I have found that people seeking my help often fall into one of two categories. First, they either don’t know or have forgotten their true identity in Christ. Second, they struggle with unforgiveness. This unforgiveness takes one of two forms. Either they can’t forgive themselves (guilt) or they can’t forgive someone who was close to them. Remembering one’s true identity in Christ and choosing to forgive, is of course important regardless of Temperament type. I have noticed however that the Supine in Affection can struggle with both these issues. 

The Supine Temperament can be the most dependent (and co-dependent) of the Temperaments. They are often people pleasers and will base their value on what others think of them. Many Supines in Affection try to find their value in the eyes of those who are closest to them. These Supines are desperately seeking warm, welcoming, unconditional love to combat the natural tendency to believe they are unlovable. Because this need for love and affection often goes unmet, they try even harder to please the people in their inner circle. This becomes a vicious circle. The more they try the more they “fail” to please and they fall into hopeless despair of self-loathing. They completely forget who they are as sons and daughters of the God of the universe.

At this point I should make it clear that most of the Supines in Affection I see have been emotionally abused. In other words, there is someone in their life who was supposed to love them abundantly and without condition, and instead they betrayed, controlled, and bullied them. A person who has been subjected to this abuse can certainly be left feeling worthless, angry, and bitter. These feelings may be supported by the circumstances of their life, but it is not supported by what God says about how deeply he values them.

Scripture is replete with verses that speak to the inestimable value that human beings have. For those of us are in Christ, there are even more. When a person comes to me who has clearly forgotten their identity in Christ, I take great pleasure in reminding them. I have a handout called “Who Am I?” It is adapted from material found in a book called The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. Below are just a few of the passages from this handout:

I am a child of God. (John 1: 12)

I am righteous and holy. (Eph 4:24)

I am a citizen of heaven. (Phil 3:20)

I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved. (Col 3:12; 1Thess 1:4)

I am a member of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession. (1Pet 2:9-10)

I am a new creation. (2 Cor 5:17)

I am a saint. (Eph 1:1, 1 Cor 1:2, Phil 1:1, Col 1:2)

I am God’s workmanship created in Christ with a specific purpose, with a specific destiny. (Eph 2:10, Ps 139:14)

I give this handout to a client and then we take turns reading who we are in Christ based on what it says in scripture. This tool is effective for almost any Temperament. After all, we all have to be reminded of our identity in Christ from time to time.  But in my experience, it is most effective with Supines in Affection because they are so desperate to be loved. This tool reminds them of that very fact.

When we get done reading these statements, I will say to her, “You are a daughter of the King of the universe, yeah?” After reading that handout she could hardly disagree with me. I continue, “What do they call the daughter of a King?” Humorously, many people don’t know how to respond to this question. But most of them know to say, “Princess,” or “Prince” depending on the gender of the client. So, then I say, “So you are Princess Joan* in the house of God.”  I then send them home with the handout with homework to read it out loud 2-3 times a day. This is so both the eyes see it and the ears hear it. While most of them have a tough time calling themselves “Princess Amanda” or “Prince Joseph,” I recently had one client who would look at herself in the mirror each day and say, “Good morning Princess Sally.” 

It is so important for all believers to understand their true identity in Christ – no more and no less. For the Supine in Affection, this understanding can be transformative. Once they know how their Heavenly Father values and celebrates them, they can assertively request that they be treated with honor, and dignity and respect. If their loved ones refuse, the Supine in Affection need not try harder to please their loved one. On the contrary, they can set a boundary and leave the situation. This communicates, “I am worthy of honor and respect and if you won’t give that to me, I refuse to stay in a situation in which I will be hurt.” The key here is to help them embrace their true identity in Christ so they can be assertive and demand the honor and respect and dignity to which they are entitled.

The next piece to deal with is unforgiveness. Supines in Affection are tenderhearted of course, and they don’t feel they deserve to be treated badly. With each hurt and each offense, they stuff their anger. With the continued stuffing, the pressure increases. The constant anger under pressure grows into bitterness. And with bitterness, unforgiveness is inevitable. Someone once said, “Genuine forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.” Supines in Affection have a difficult time letting go of the past. If they have been hurt by those closest to them, they may feel betrayed and that betrayal runs deep. Often they will hold on tenaciously to those  offenses and justify their anger because they feel they were mistreated.

Obviously, scripture is clear when it comes to unforgiveness. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus said, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” I pursue this line of thought by reminding clients that when they don’t forgive, they become their own idols. This perspective really challenges people, but especially those who are Supine in Affection. Since they typically think of themselves as worthless, the thought that they are making themselves idols is anathema to them. But I remind them that when they choose not to forgive when their Heavenly Father has, they make their standard of righteousness higher than God’s. This becomes a sin of idolatry and pride. The encouragement to the client is to release the offense and let God be God. This tool is especially effective to those who have not forgiven themselves.

I also encourage the client to write a letter to their offender. I make it clear that this is a letter that is not intended to be sent. It is  a letter in which they can write whatever they want – the good, the bad, the ugly. This is just to get their emotions out on a piece of paper. But as they walk down the path of forgiveness, my prayer for them is that they would let go of the offense, and eventually write a letter to the offender in which they ask for forgiveness of the offender for holding an offense against them.  Like the notion of being their own idol, the initial thought of this idea is challenging to them, but it plants a seed that I pray will germinate.

Finally, for those caught in the snare of unforgiveness, I frequently recommend the new Christian classic by John Bevere called Bait of Satan. I find it to be an important tool to help break free of that bondage.

Conclusion: As previously mentioned, remembering our God-given identity, and choosing to forgive ourselves and others can be a challenge. Though God’s grace, His inspired Word, and Spirit-given tools, we as counselors have everything we need to help people live in freedom.

*All names have been changed.